For What It's Worth

Club Donna was a local dance club in Alberton, which was popular in the 1980s. Situated inside the La Vecchia Roma restaurant which was owned by Donna and Piero Lulli. It was a family-run affair with the Italian couple’s daughter Lilliana, who must have been around 5 or so, often found jumping around the couches in the reception.

I remember rocking the stage singing ‘twinkle twinkle little star’ on Saturday nights – already the diva

the now all grown up Lilliana Lulli

So maybe you are thinking, ooh Mark, we didn’t know you were a big clubber? Well, hold that thought, I wasn’t! My favorite nightclub was, and still is, Club Duvet, and usually by ten p.m. sharp, thank you very much. However, under the persuasive influence of abundant amounts of alcohol, the following happens. I will go anywhere, at any time, and with anyone. Most of my visits to Donnas started in various stages of inebriation. I probably never arrived there sober. Thus my stiff-armed ejection from the premises on at least three different occasions.

Club Donna was such an amazing part of my 20s, and I spent many, many nights there – it wasn’t just a club, it was a place where you could relax with friends, eat great food, dance all night if you wanted to, and who can forget bands like Feather Control and After Dark ………. [who?? 🤣🤣 ]

Catherine Dow

The Alberton cricket club was now almost dead and thus useless to our needs for a little Saturday night party. It was already dark, probably around 8.30 pm, and still too early for some serious clubbing. Pierre and I agreed that a visit to the local disco was a solid plan for our evening’s entertainment. Any thoughts of an early night in preparation for our continued batting partnership early the following morning were now long gone. The alcohol had worked its wicked ways on the Alberton opening pair. We were now happy in the haze of a drunken hour, and some talent spotting at the nearby Club Donna was next on the agenda.

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The music our local disco played was predominantly goddam awful – the usual, instantly forgettable, standard club fare. It was, of course, the era of Hi-NRG (high energy🤮 ), the dreaded genre of the blandest of up-tempo dance music. Put it this way I didn’t go there for the tunes. Now that I think about it, I can’t even remember why I went there. Oh yes, it was close to home.

Every now and again the DJ would surprise us (me especially) with something half decent and vaguely danceable. Possibly something like this one.

“The Safety Dance” is a song by Canadian new wave/synth-pop band Men Without Hats. It was released in Canada in 1982 as the second single from their album Rhythm of Youth. Written by lead singer Ivan Doroschuk shortly after he had been kicked out of a club for pogo dancing. Ivan explained that it was written as a protest against prohibiting dancers from pogoing to 1980s new wave music in clubs when disco was declining and new wave was coming in. It was a smash hit all over the world including here in South Africa.

pogo – gerund or present participle: pogoing [jump up and down as if on a pogo stick as a form of dancing to rock music, especially punk. “everyone was pogoing like crazy to The Sex Pistols”]

Pierre and I loaded our coffins* into the boot of my car. We then headed off towards our intended destination. Yes, I definitely shouldn’t have been driving. But, we were young, reckless, and stupid. Plus, there weren’t many other options.

_{* [no, not for dead bodies 🤓 – but rather those extremely large square (“coffin”) shaped kit-bags our cricket gear was stuffed into]}

I asked Pierre recently what he could recall of our journey across town that night. All he said was that we struck up a conversation with some hot-looking girls (we did have our beer goggles on mind), in the car stopped alongside us, at a couple of red traffic lights, en-route. Somehow we had sparked interest in these two ladies (whom, I am sure, also had their beer goggles on). They were urgently fishing in their handbags for business cards to give us when the last of the lights inappropriately turned green. No problem at all, we thought as I drove alongside their now moving vehicle, getting as close as I could without touching. Le Roux, not hesitating to thrust his stocky frame through the open window, and reach over to grab the all-important contact details from the very impressed young lady we had been chatting up. All this as we sailed down the busy Alberton street.

It seemed funny at the time.

Eurythmics’ commercial breakthrough came with their second album, Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This), released in the January of 1983. The successful title track featured a dark and powerful sequenced synth bass line, and a dramatic video introduced the now orange crew-cut Lennox to audiences. The song reached No. 2 on the UK Singles Chart, becoming one of the year’s biggest sellers, and later topped the US Billboard Hot 100. The band’s fortunes changed immensely from this moment on, and Lennox quickly became a pop icon, gracing the covers of numerous magazines including, Rolling Stone, the NME, and Smash Hits.

They would have played the big pop singles (Sweet Dreams, Love is a Stranger, and Here Comes the Rain Again) on a good night at Club D a lot. However, here I’d sooner spin Jennifer, which is hands-down, my favorite ever Eurythmics track. 

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After a short drive, Pierre and I arrived at La Vecchia Roma, home of Club Donna. We parked reasonably close as it was still early. The restaurant would be busy, but the “clubbing” set was a while away from filling the adjoining diksko. We climbed out of my car, both still dressed in shorts, a T-shirt, and flip-flops. Hardly the attire for a night on the town. Even Alberton’s premier nightclub had some required dress code? At this point, Pierre and I got a bit silly and decided to add to what we were wearing. A kind of fancy dress, to disguise the fact that we were not going to the beach, but a night of boogying. 

I have no idea who first came up with the plan. It was probably Pierre, and I, of course, readily agreed. There was much merriment as we decided to “pad-up” again. On went most of our batting kit for this particular visit to the premier nightclub in all of Alberton. Bulky batting pads and thigh guards were now adding to our latent sex appeal. I think we left our gloves behind as it was tricky holding a drink with them on. For headgear, we wore our wide-brimmed, sweat-soaked fielding hats. Having decided against putting our batting helmets on as even the Italians at the door would then have spotted we were not correctly attired. I don’t think we brought our cricket bats with either? I’m virtually sure we didn’t – this was Alberton, and they may have been mistaken for baseball bats – the weapon of choice in our ‘hood. We then swayed our way nonchalantly towards the entrance of the club.

I’ve never read (or even given much thought) to the lyrics to this next song. Blimey! “Sock it to me biscuits” indeed, 😂 and just what is this black gas? Maybe I don’t want to know? But, this is how you write an enormous hit song in three easy steps, so what do I know?

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“Two Tribes” is an anti-war song by the British band Frankie Goes to Hollywood. It was released in the UK by ZTT Records in early June 1984. Later included on the album Welcome to the Pleasuredome. The premise presents a nihilistic, gleeful lyric expressing enthusiasm for nuclear war. It juxtaposes a relentless pounding bass line splayed over a guitar riff, inspired by American funk and R&B pop. Russian classical music influences round off an opulent arrangement by producer Trevor Horn.

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Most of what would happen the next few hours at Club Donnas has now evaporated from my (and Pierre’s) battered memory bank. Somehow we managed to navigate our way through the foyer and into the actual nightclub. The folk standing behind the counter that took our cover-charge didn’t seem to bat an eye-lid at how these two fine young men dressed for their big night out. Yes, I know this was Alberton, but we must have had standards? Two drunks, in shorts, T-shirts, and almost fully kitted out for a visit to the batting crease!??

We now found ourselves inside the actual club part. Pierre and I then made our unsteady way across the still empty dance-floor, towards some open seats in a gloomy corner of the club. Laughing at the joke, only we understood.

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This next track was rather apt for us yokels growing up in the suburbs in the South. They definitely played it a lot at Club D, and yes, I found myself shimmying around the dance floor to it on the very odd occasion.

“Smalltown Boy” is the debut single by British synthpop band Bronski Beat, released in June 1984. It is taken from their debut album, The Age of Consent, released in December 1984. The song was a big commercial success, reaching number 3 in the band’s native UK. It was also a number one hit in the Netherlands and Belgium and hit the top 10 in Australia, Canada, France, Ireland, Italy, and Switzerland. The track reached number 48 in the US pop chart and was a number one US dance hit.

A staggering 62 million-plus views on YouTube, so still very popular.

In the ’80s, depending on the point you wanted to make, you might claim that Alberton was adjacent to the “Deep South” (the rougher white “working class” suburbs of Joburg). There were rumors of “gang-fights” between “Porras and Lebs”, but apart from the odd school-ground tussle most of the guys in our circles of friends neither sought out nor encountered angry violence on a regular basis. The rumors, whether true or not,  of probably troubled older siblings who allegedly dished out violence in night-time combat successfully and regularly, were widespread and regarded with a strange mix of unease, disdain, and reverence. Names like Tubby, Snake, and Tots were part of the Alberton folklore. You didn’t fuck with these guys.

One night Beza (who was just “Mark” Wilson in those days) and I decide to wear lounge shirts & suit jackets to Club Donna, partly following New Romantic fashion and partly as a laugh. Of course, we stood out and we got quite a bit of lady attention. But a group of long-haired ruffians started chirping “do these guys think they are fucking lawyers?!” (Discourse: We were not. At that stage anyway!). One mullet-sporting fellow in particular (let’s call him “Skollie”) started harassing our group. We didn’t know him from a bar of soap, but later found out he had a rough reputation in Germiston. I tried to talk the gentleman down at the bar, but when he stuck his dentures out at me at the end of his tongue it was hardly encouraging. So we tried to ignore him, but the guy was obviously looking for shit.

🎸 Intermission 🎸

“Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t)” is a 1978 song written by Pete Shelley and performed by his group Buzzcocks. It was a number 12 hit on the UK Singles Chart and was included on the album Love Bites. UK band Fine Young Cannibals had a no. 9 UK hit with their cover version, recorded for the soundtrack of the 1986 film Something Wild, which was later included on the band’s album The Raw & the Cooked.

The excellent Fine Young Cannibals version was definitely played at Club D … a lot … but sadly … never the Buzzcocks original.

Back to “Skollie” …

A little while later our mate Ian Martin, who was totally uninvolved, was head-butted by Skollie on the dance floor and had his nose broken. The bouncers saw nothing. A bit later Skollie confronted me while Beza and I were chilling in a booth with some lady friends. After a short scuffle, the bouncers did intervene and Skollie again melted into the crowd. The purveyors of nightclub safety and security sagely advised us that Skollie was bad news, that he had dangerous friends, and that we should probably go home.

Time for “Plan B”. We had spotted Tots [aka Graham Trethewey, RIP] at the club, with a group of his friends. We both knew, and Beza was quite good friends with, his youngest brother Craig Trethewey. Now Tots was not huge, or even scary looking. He just had a reputation that he could fuck people up. So we reverently approached him by explaining who we were, before getting to the “Tots, we have a problem” part. Tots was instantly in. “Show me the cunt, I’ll have a talk to him.” So we pointed out Skollie, and Tots said “leave it to me”… so Beza and I did.

We saw neither Tots nor Skollie again until about an hour later when we were leaving the club to get to our car. They were engaged in an epic King Kong vs Godzilla grappling battle which, according to one of the adoring crowd of bystanders had been raging for at least 40 minutes. And, apparently, Skollies‘ friends were still looking for some guys in suits…

Home-time!

THE END

Albin Wagner

Skollie probably just needed to …

“Relax” is a song by English synth-pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood, released in the United Kingdom by ZTT Records in 1983. It was the band’s debut single and was again produced by Trevor Horn of Buggles fame. The tune entered the UK Top 75 singles chart in November 1983, but did not crack the Top 40 until early January 1984. Three weeks later it reached number one, replacing Paul McCartney’s “Pipes of Peace.” One of the decade’s most controversial and most commercially successful records, “Relax” eventually sold a reported two million copies in the UK alone, easily ranking among the ten biggest-selling singles ever.

It remained in the UK Top 40 for 37 consecutive weeks, 35 of which overlapped with a radio airplay ban by the BBC (owing to lyrics perceived as overtly sexual). In June 1984, bolstered by the instant massive success of the band’s follow-up single “Two Tribes,” the single re-entered the Top Ten for a further nine weeks including two spent at number two (behind “Two Tribes”) At that time Frankie Goes to Hollywood were the only act apart from the Beatles and John Lennon to concurrently occupy the top two positions on the chart.

A Club D staple … and one we all danced to (even the new-romantic types) … Hit me with those laser beams!! When you gonna … come?

As Club Donna began to fill up, Pierre and I began to feel a little uncomfortable in our shorts and slops. The novelty of walking to the toilet in our cricket kit wore off on our first and only trip. We must have looked like a couple of complete tossers. 😂 To be honest, there is not much more to this story, and it’s one of those you had to be there moments. The fact that we had managed to even get into the place, with cricket gear on, I suppose being the crux of this drunken little tale.

At some point, Pierre and I stood up and unsteadily wove our way out of the club. We didn’t even get thrown out, but that’s Alberton for you. A little later, I dropped Pierre at his house near Alberview primary school and then skillfully managed to get myself back to Brackenhurst in one piece.

As for the cricket the next day? Well, that’s one memory that is completely gone. Maybe it’s for the best, as I doubt either of us was in tip-top condition when play resumed early on Sunday morning.

Did we ever phone the young lady whose card Pierre plucked from the air as our two vehicles traversed the Alberton ring-road that Saturday night? I have absolutely no idea. Maybe Pierre remembers?

Possibly one of my favorite Madonna Louise Ciccone tracks. This one would even have me chugging around the Club D dance floor. 😲🤣 I am not ashamed to say … I … really … love … this … tune. I don’t go for most of her stuff, but for some reason, this one pushes some of the correct buttons.

Written by Curtis Hudson and Lisa Stevens of Pure Energy, the track was offered to Madonna by her producer John “Jellybean” Benitez when she was looking for a potential hit track to include on her debut album. After accepting the song, she and Benitez worked on it and altered its composition by the addition of a piano solo performed by their friend, Fred Zarr. “Holiday” features instrumentation from guitars, electronic handclaps, a cowbell, and a synthesized string arrangement. It was a smash-hit all over the planet … and yip … Madonna was up and running.

In 2003, Q Magazine ranked “Holiday” at number 88 in their list of the “1001 Best Songs Ever“.

Thanks for reading my blog on CLUB DONNA, and some of the music they played there. A big thank you to John Dagley, Albin Wagner, and Michelle McGrath for their excellent contributions.

Goodbye ya’all

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